Post by jeannerené on Dec 30, 2007 0:37:26 GMT -8
untitled ~ some revisions...
You will not quit me, Pride, my fractured mask of self-delusion,
but obscure this deformity and swallow all reason exposed by desire,
mercifully, to bare me up, and march me hence after love’s intrusion.
You will not quit me, Pride, my fractured mask of self-delusion.
Come, quit swiftly my heart, pulsing on the charade of faith’s illusion,
leaving me forsaken with wrath and envy to hopelessly conspire.
You will not quit me, Pride, my fractured mask of self-delusion,
but obscure this deformity and swallow all reason exposed by desire.
jeanne rené 3.06
The features of the Triolet are:
* 8 lines.
* Two rhymes.
* 5 of the 8 lines are repeated or refrain lines.
* First line repeats at the 4th and 7th lines.
* Second line repeats at the 8th line.
* Rhyme scheme (where an upper-case letter indicates the appearance of an identical line, while a lower-case letter indicates a rhyme with each line designated by the same lower-case or upper-case letter):
A
B
a - Rhymes with 1st line.
A - Identical to 1st line.
a - Rhymes with 1st line.
b - Rhymes with 2nd line.
A - Identical to 1st line.
B - Identical to 2nd line.
********************
OK ... rewritten not as a triolet .... so unsure ...
So tell me.... I'm I confused about what to do with this poem or what?!
version 2
Do not quit, Pride,
bedazzled mask of self-delusion.
Obscure deformity,
swallow all reason exposed by desire.
Mercifully, blind me,
and guide me hence after love’s intrusion.
I say, do not quit, Pride,
hold your disguise against dim confusion.
Swiftly chill the charade.
It pulses on the prayer of faith’s illusion,
leaving fury forsaken
and envy, helpless to conspire.
You will not leave, Pride,
Bedazzled mask of self-delusion,
Obscure love’s deformity,
Swollow all hope exposed by desire.
jeanne rené 6.06
***
version 3
Do not quit, Pride,
bedazzled rot of self-delusion.
Come, obscure deformity,
swallow reason exposed by desire.
Mercifully, blind me,
guide me hence after love’s intrusion.
I say, do not quit, Pride,
hold your disguise against dim confusion,
swiftly stay this charade,
pitiless ruse held fast to faith’s illusion.
Leaving fury forsaken
and envy, helpless to conspire,
you must not quit me, Pride.
Tight my mask of self-delusion,
obscuring the eye’s deformity,
swallowing the heart exposed by desire.
You will not quit me, Pride, my fractured mask of self-delusion,
but obscure this deformity and swallow all reason exposed by desire,
mercifully, to bare me up, and march me hence after love’s intrusion.
You will not quit me, Pride, my fractured mask of self-delusion.
Come, quit swiftly my heart, pulsing on the charade of faith’s illusion,
leaving me forsaken with wrath and envy to hopelessly conspire.
You will not quit me, Pride, my fractured mask of self-delusion,
but obscure this deformity and swallow all reason exposed by desire.
jeanne rené 3.06
The features of the Triolet are:
* 8 lines.
* Two rhymes.
* 5 of the 8 lines are repeated or refrain lines.
* First line repeats at the 4th and 7th lines.
* Second line repeats at the 8th line.
* Rhyme scheme (where an upper-case letter indicates the appearance of an identical line, while a lower-case letter indicates a rhyme with each line designated by the same lower-case or upper-case letter):
A
B
a - Rhymes with 1st line.
A - Identical to 1st line.
a - Rhymes with 1st line.
b - Rhymes with 2nd line.
A - Identical to 1st line.
B - Identical to 2nd line.
********************
OK ... rewritten not as a triolet .... so unsure ...
So tell me.... I'm I confused about what to do with this poem or what?!version 2
Do not quit, Pride,
bedazzled mask of self-delusion.
Obscure deformity,
swallow all reason exposed by desire.
Mercifully, blind me,
and guide me hence after love’s intrusion.
I say, do not quit, Pride,
hold your disguise against dim confusion.
Swiftly chill the charade.
It pulses on the prayer of faith’s illusion,
leaving fury forsaken
and envy, helpless to conspire.
You will not leave, Pride,
Bedazzled mask of self-delusion,
Obscure love’s deformity,
Swollow all hope exposed by desire.
jeanne rené 6.06
***
version 3
Do not quit, Pride,
bedazzled rot of self-delusion.
Come, obscure deformity,
swallow reason exposed by desire.
Mercifully, blind me,
guide me hence after love’s intrusion.
I say, do not quit, Pride,
hold your disguise against dim confusion,
swiftly stay this charade,
pitiless ruse held fast to faith’s illusion.
Leaving fury forsaken
and envy, helpless to conspire,
you must not quit me, Pride.
Tight my mask of self-delusion,
obscuring the eye’s deformity,
swallowing the heart exposed by desire.
... it is a discipline I have not yet achieved. But, again I am grateful for the instruction ...... 
