Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2009 0:07:58 GMT -8
I'm actually trying to create a full length fantasy novel. Help with grammar and such would be much appreciated
As well as any tips on how to improve the prologue and any chapter after that. {This is actually the second version of the prologue which I am working on, I started it over to make room for a little more insight and info as to what's happening}
I also know that the opening paragraph is thick with imagery, but I want the reader to visualize what the world is like. Which will completely change at the end of the prologue.
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Destiny: Awakening Fates
Prologue:
Close your eyes, picture a world of serene beauty, one where the sky is like a translucent silver climbing high into the depths of space. The trees in this world stand tall with lush green leaves that seem to dance when the warm breeze passes them. Within the trees can you see a lake? With water as still as glass, in the center of the lake is a small ripple. Could it be a fish? Or a faerie of some sort dancing to an unknown tune. Beyond the lake is a mountain range, in which strange animals roam. Now open your eyes, can you imagine what this world would be like if darkness ruled over it-
Thunder roared outside as rain pelted the glass windows. A boy woke up with a start, to reveal his blue pupils. Was it just a dream? He thought to himself as he sat up in bed. It was late, Rain looked up at the silver clock hanging on the wall above his bed.
“Rain?” came a voice from the hallway. His door opened and a stream of light flowed in. A beautiful woman stood at the entrance to his doorway. “What's wrong? We could hear you from the other room.”
Rain stared into his mother's red eyes, “it was. . . just a dream.” he said as he lay back down. Rain however, did not see it as being just a dream. He saw it as a message to his people, a message that the evil in their hearts would bring about destruction and chaos to their world and to their own race. In his dreams, he would be visited by a snarling beast who would talk about how their world was doomed. This dream however, was different. It was not the wolf that had visited him, but rather he saw it. The world as is slowly fell apart and vanished into the debts of space.
Moon moved to sit beside her son who was now shaking with fear. Her long white hair flowed gracefully as she walked, to Rain she looked almost like an angel. “Is it, a message from Fenhir?” she asked concerned.
“No, it's not a god. It was an evil demon whom I believe was born from the darkness in our hearts,” his voice was trembling. “He has often made threats, saying that if we didn't change our world would be doomed. The Time Guardians would come and destroy whatever it is that we have left.”
Fenhir was one of the four gods that this race worshiped, he would most often take the form of a wolf, but occasionally an elf. Their religion would go on to say about how Fenhir and the three other gods created their world. In hopes to create the perfect society, the people of this world were born all with white hair and red eyes. On their backs would be dragon like or fearie wings that would display different colors.
Those were the unique characteristics that would define them as a race of people. Though things went wrong according to what the gods wanted. Years after this race had begun living a child was born, one with black hair and blue eyes. The other Drakere believed he was born from darkness and thus must be vanquished. The small child was thought to be executed and sacrificed, his parents however, kept him alive and well hidden within the safe confines of their home.
“Well, in any case I must take your younger brother to school tomorrow. Therefore I should be going to sleep,” she leaned over to kiss her son on the cheek before standing up and exiting the room.
Like always, the day wasn't very eventful for Rain. Being stuck at home not able to see the outside world, the only thing he could do was read. So he stayed home while his parents went to escort his five year old brother to school. I wonder if he'll be alright on his own, Rain pondered as he grabbed a book from the shelf placed against the wall.
Their house had been built in the center of a forest, most of which stood on a large cliff. The only way to get there was by flight. Rain's younger brother Blaze held on for dear life as his mother took to the air. Bellow them Blaze noticed that the trees sparkled, the wet leaves reflecting the light of the sun.
Moon's wings were that of a faeries, glittering beautifully in an array of different colors. She flew gracefully in the sky while holding Blaze tightly to her chest. There it was in the distance, a white school standing tall From the sky they could see the school yard full of children playing and romping around.
She landed gently in front of the school and led her son inside. On the way in he noticed a few children staring, now why could that be? His classroom was the first on the right, at front there was a large desk the length of the chalkboard. The top of the desk was cluttered with what appeared to be a ton of paper work.
Sitting at the desk, hardly visible because of the amount of paper work, was his teacher. She looked up at them as they entered the room. “You must be Blaze, our new student,” she said cheerfully. “Well come in now.”
Out of shyness Blaze had been hiding behind his mother clinging to her dress. She pushed him forward, “go on now Blaze, don't be shy.” Moon directed her attention to the teacher now. “I'll be back after school to pick him up.” she turned around and flew out the door.
The remainder of the day went buy quick for Blaze, being filled with fun activities. School was now over and he waited by the school doors for his mother. Why do they stare at me? Blaze asked himself as some kids continued to stare at him from a distance, outside the school doors. He jumped backed startled as his mom suddenly appeared in front of the doors with a large smile on her face.
Blaze reached out to grab his mother's hand as she once again pulled him into her chest, as she pushed off gracefully into the air. They sky above was beginning to dim and the sun was slowly moving bellow the horizon. “So, how was school today?” Moon asked as she flew elegantly through the forest and up to the cliff that lead to their house.
“Mother, why am I different?” this question came as a shock to Moon who came to an abrupt stop. “Why do people stare at me?”
This question was a hard one for her to answer, but her son would find out later whether she told him or not. “It's because. . . you, unlike the rest of us were born without wings,” tears were now forming in her eyes as she pulled him closer. Why? Why do both my sons have to be different from the rest of our race?
Remas, the father of Blaze and Rain was standing outside waiting for them to return from the school. “So how was school today Blaze?” rather then replying to his father, Blaze ran inside to greet Rain. “Something tells me. . . not good,” his said looking at Moon.
As always, Rain had his head in a book reading it with great interest. He looked up just in time to see his younger brother run into the house. “So, Blaze how was school today?” Rain asked as he put his book away. From the look on his brother's face, Rain could tell that it didn't go well. “Ah don't worry about those kids at school, they'll laugh at anything they see is different from themselves. They're just afraid of change,” Rain ruffled his brother's hair before putting a finger under Blaze's chin and lifting it up gently. “Ya just need an up beat attitude. Always look on the bright side of things, it'll all turn out well in the end.”
{To be continued. . . but what ya think so far? : D}
