The King of Dreams, well half of it

[vulcan13]

I've been trying to think of a way to do this for a long time, and i think i have it partially figured out.  Ok here's what I have so far...




The King of Dark Nights and Dreams


Ahhhh….
Hello friend,
A rare one aren’t you
to find your way here
of all the places you might be.
Come here, come here
there’s no way back
so come forward
stand before me.
How strange to hear
your footsteps echo
through this place
of dark and silence
this empty hall of prophets
long since gone.
How strange that you
should find me here
It’s not a place I often come,
but since you are here
where then should you go?
I could send you to the music halls
to hear the songs of deaf musicians,
or leave you wander the galleries
of the painters for the blind
To mine the sacred sand
I could send you to the caves,
or lose you in the library
of all the tales yet unsung.
But as I see you here before me
I enjoy your company
Perhaps you might come with me
and see those duties yet undone.

Slowly through the darkness
walking unsteady and uncertain
egged on by the husky voice
that echoes from the shadowed walls
forward moving, and unknowing
just what other world waits
Emerging from the darkness
a tall man watching, sitting
knees bent, hands idle
cupped in the seat of a giant throne
Long lashed eyes of utter darkness
like empty voids between the stars
staring from an alabaster face
Hawkish features hard as stone
beautiful as any sculptor carved
Hollowed cheeks and narrow chin
midnight hair, long and shaggy
curling gently around his face
He leaps gracefully from his throne
landing cat-like on cold stone floors
Knee high black boots sound quietly
metal buckles jingle faintly
He tugs his midnight leather jacket
brushes off his torn gray jeans
...




Ok i know there is more to be said here, but here's where I lose it. I have introduced the character, and the concept, but i can't think of anything to do with it from here. Anyway, I'm working on it still. Any comments or suggestions?

[malcolm]

Hi vulcan well I'm glad to finally see the poem but I feel a bit bemused - from what youve said you dont normally write poetry and dont have a lot of confidence and yet here youve gone for a hugely ambitious novel-like epic where I think you should be going for something simpler.

What you have written sounds only like an introduction so goodness knows where you are going to go from here, or how long you are intending to make it.

I do like the beginning, but my interest faded in the second verse which I personally found tedious.

Bon voyage!

[vulcan13]

I don't know what I'm doing, or where I'm going, I am just going, and wingin' it a bit. It is my eternal problem, that i don't have room for everything I want to say in a poem, and i don't know exactly what to do about it except to write a really long poem. I don't know how to remedy that, expect to write in prose, which defeats the purpose a bit... *there would be that silly hampter rolling back and forth here, but this stupid computer isn't gonna let me do that* Advice? On the poem not the hampster.

[gypsygirl]

Hi Vulcan

I really like the story so far.. The only suggestion I would make at this point is that you pick out the MOST important pieces of your tale and try to compact the poem a little. The first verse (for me) lacks a little direction and I'm not sure what the main point of it is. Use your lines or words as stepping stones.. each telling a different part of the progressing story. I do think it's got huge potential and I genuinely look forward to reading more

[ladonna]

Hi Vulcan

I guess only you can decide where your story/poem will go. I am sure that you have some plot in mind. Maybe you can tell the story in a mix of both poetry and prose, as the fancy takes you. From what I have seen of both your poetic and prose work, I am sure it would make worthwhile reading.

[alaskanrambler]

Hi Vulcan, I agree with some of the comments above. Try writing two or three shorter poems on the main topics, 20 to 30 lines each. The flow should be smoother. Jim

[vulcan13]

Thank you, all of you for all your critique! I really appreciate all your help!

About this:

May 15, 2008 12:52:54 GMT -8 alaskanrambler said:

Hi Vulcan, I agree with some of the comments above.  Try writing two or three shorter poems on the main topics, 20 to 30 lines each.  The flow should be smoother.  Jim

I don't mean to be rude or anything, i don't want to be misunderstood, but i have no idea what-so-ever what the main themes are.  I am honestly lost about all of this.

I don't have a process for witting poetry, I just write it like prose. Which i don't think is the right way, i just don't have any other way to go about writing it. It's sorta frustrating. I feel like I'm in way over my head.  :'( I'm not being sarcastic or making excuses or anything, I am just trying to figure out how poetry is supposed to be written, as opposed to what i do, and I know I do, which is just chop my prose into short lines. I want to be able to do this. If anyone has any advise for me, I would be immensely grateful!


Thank You all so much!!
Vulcan13 

[alaskanrambler]

Hi Vulcan. You can find a HOW TO WRITE POETRY in the library. Browse a couple of small chapbooks by individual poets. Everyone develops their own style. Jim

[jeannerené]

A poem with a conversational tone is very difficult and perhaps you might want to investigate taking a different approach. 

Keep in mind that sometimes you do want to tell a story in poetry, but these usually as told in epic or ballad .... or Ode form.  Try narrowing it down to just exploring an emotion....

... OK...  let's just go for an emotion... and a narrower range of image... poetry loves emotion and image...  I'm basically using the images you have all ready provided in your poem and giving a "Nip and Tuck" job......

Take your thoughts and try to make them very concise and expressed with as few words as possible....

That being said ... there is absolutely nothing wrong with writing a story poem .... look at the wonderful poems I've posted here as videos... The Raven, The Highwayman and The Jabberwocky .... wonderful ... wonderful poetry all three ...... so it boils down to you write what you want to write ... what's in your bones .....

****
5/16/08
I've moved part of my comment to PM ... probably more useful there....

and with
Ahhhh….
Hello friend,
A rare one aren’t you
to find your way here
of all the places you might be.
Come here, come here
there’s no way back
so come forward
stand before me.
How strange to hear
your footsteps echo
through this place
of dark and silence
this empty hall of prophets
long since gone.
How strange that you
should find me here
It’s not a place I often come,
but since you are here
where then should you go?
I could send you to the music halls
to hear the songs of deaf musicians,
or leave you wander the galleries
of the painters for the blind
To mine the sacred sand
I could send you to the caves,
or lose you in the library
of all the tales yet unsung.
But as I see you here before me
I enjoy your company
Perhaps you might come with me
and see those duties yet undone.

[malcolm]

Advice?

Put this aside for now to come back to later with fresh ideas.

return to your original idea/paragraph, break that down into poetic style lines, add a few more lines, a little poetry and imagination, a bit of description, keep things simple and limit yourself to a certain length, getting rid of anything unnecessary.

The latter is something you need to do in this version - especially the last part which reads to me like a long winded description of an idealised hero from a barbara cartland romantic novel.