Post by jeannerené on Apr 6, 2008 23:10:32 GMT -8
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shutfor a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 . Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door
on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour
shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the
road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little b;;;;;; with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from
hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shutfor a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 . Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door
on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour
shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the
road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little b;;;;;; with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from
hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
>
>
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
