Dreams and Nightmares, an old poem

[vulcan13]

This is an old poem i wrote for school. My teacher didn't like it, but i always thought it was better than she gave me credit for. I might be wrong... probably... i'm not much of a poet... Anyway, enjoy!!!!

Dreams and Nightmares

A field of flowers
Blue and pink and yellow
A carpet of living colors
A voice perhaps?
Yes a voice
Echoing from the mountains
You strain to hear
A friendly face approaches
Taking you by the hand they lead you
Through the warm
Dark dampness of a mountain cave
Drip
Drip
Water leaks slowly from the walls
The tunnel ends
The darkness continues
Stars
Stunning sparkling stars dance
All around you they surround you
Breathing vacuum
Steel clangs beneath your feet
Walls around you
A brightly lit corridor
A room
You walk to a computer
The screen flashes rows of numbers
“Lieutenant”
The word echoes through the fog
You turn and see a man approaching
The captain speaks again
“How far lieutenant?”
His coal black eyes watch expectantly
From within his ebony face
You open your mouth
And speak in silent words
Laughter jumps from the lips of the people
A man approaches you from behind
He is tall and pale with mahogany hair
His eyes are violet so deep you could drown
And untelling as if behind them lie
The answers to unasked questions
He places a gentle hand on your shoulder
The laughter stops
While responding to the captain
In words you don’t hear
He leads you back down the corridor
Alone
Alone on a seashore
The waves recede
Then they are back again
As tall as a mountain
They break over you
You are washed under
Screaming in chains of bubbles
Unable to draw breath
Falling
The water gone
Endless vacuum
Down
Down
Solid ground beneath you feet
A clearing at the edge of a wood
You stand in the center
Watching the sunset
Swirling streams of color and cloud
Rose and violet meld
Only to be separated by cobalt and emerald
The sun sets, the night dawns
Stars show their shining faces
You are for a moment mystified
A cloud of glowing darkness charges
You run in frantic desperation
The gravel stings your bare feet
The ground ends
Falling
You see the ocean beneath you
Brace for the impact
Here it comes
Awake!

[jeannerené]

vulcan13 said:

This is an old poem i wrote for school. My teacher didn't like it, but i always thought it was better than she gave me credit for. I might be wrong... probably... i'm not much of a poet... Anyway, enjoy!!!!

Dreams and Nightmares

A field of flowers
Blue and pink and yellow
A carpet of living colors
A voice perhaps?
Yes a voice
Echoing from the mountains
You strain to hear
A friendly face approaches
Taking you by the hand they lead you
Through the warm
Dark dampness of a mountain cave
Drip
Drip
Water leaks slowly from the walls
The tunnel ends
The darkness continues
Stars
Stunning sparkling stars dance
All around you they surround you
Breathing vacuum
Steel clangs beneath your feet
Walls around you
A brightly lit corridor
A room
You walk to a computer
The screen flashes rows of numbers
“Lieutenant”
The word echoes through the fog
You turn and see a man approaching
The captain speaks again
“How far lieutenant?”
His coal black eyes watch expectantly
From within his ebony face
You open your mouth
And speak in silent words
Laughter jumps from the lips of the people
A man approaches you from behind
He is tall and pale with mahogany hair
His eyes are violet so deep you could drown
And untelling as if behind them lie
The answers to unasked questions
He places a gentle hand on your shoulder
The laughter stops
While responding to the captain
In words you don’t hear
He leads you back down the corridor
Alone
Alone on a seashore
The waves recede
Then they are back again
As tall as a mountain
They break over you
You are washed under
Screaming in chains of bubbles
Unable to draw breath
Falling
The water gone
Endless vacuum
Down
Down
Solid ground beneath you feet
A clearing at the edge of a wood
You stand in the center
Watching the sunset
Swirling streams of color and cloud
Rose and violet meld
Only to be separated by cobalt and emerald
The sun sets, the night dawns
Stars show their shining faces
You are for a moment mystified
A cloud of glowing darkness charges
You run in frantic desperation
The gravel stings your bare feet
The ground ends
Falling
You see the ocean beneath you
Brace for the impact
Here it comes
Awake!

Vulcan... I hope that your teacher simply did not just dismiss it, but also gave you some suggestions ...

I do get that hazy, cloudy tone with which a dream poem is often written. You know ... dream sequences blending and running into each other with out apparent rhyme or reason. The only transition which I had trouble with and which I thought was too hazy was your reference to laugher on the lips of people and the laughter stopping.

I did remove a few unneeded words. When writing poetry one can dispense with a lot of small words (a, an, the, this, that, etc...)

I also changed the person to "first person" ... which I feel makes the poem more vulnerable and therefore more interesting to the reader.

I also gave it some line breaks... allowing the reader to pause and for clarity....

..Anyway ... just some thoughts for you to use or lose. I enjoyed reading and it was an interesting "dream poem"
I love that you are posting poetry.........!!

Dreams and Nightmares

Field of flowers
Blue, pink, yellow
Carpet of living colors
A voice perhaps?
Yes a voice
Echoing from the mountains
I strain to hear

A friendly face approaches
Taking me by the hand, leading
Through the warm
Dark dampness of a mountain cave
Drip

Drip
Water leaks slowly from the walls
The tunnel ends
Darkness continues
Stars
Stunning sparkling stars
Dance
All around me
Surround me

Breathing vacuum
Steel clangs beneath my feet
Walls around me
A brightly lit corridor
A room
I walk to a computer
Rows of numbers
Flash upon the screen

“Lieutenant”
The word echoes through fog
Turning, I see a man approaching
The captain speaks again
“How far lieutenant?”

His coal black eyes watch
Expectantly
From within his ebony face
I open my mouth
Speak in silent words
Laughter jumps from the lips of the people

From behind a man approaches
Tall and pale
His hair mahogany
Violet eyes so deep I could drown
Obscure, as if behind them exist
Answers to unasked questions

He places a gentle hand on my shoulder
The laughter stops
Responding to the captain
In words not heard
He leads me back down the corridor
Alone

Alone
On a seashore
Waves recede
They return
As tall as a mountain
Breaking over me
I am washed under
Screaming in chains of bubbles
Unable to draw breath

Falling
The water gone
Endless vacuum
Down

Down
Solid ground beneath my feet
A clearing at the edge of a wood
I stand in the center
Watching the sunset
Swirling streams of color and cloud
Rose and violet meld
Separated by cobalt and emerald

The sun sets, the night dawns
Stars show their shining faces
I am for a moment mystified

A cloud of glowing darkness charges
Running in frantic desperation
Gravel stings my bare feet
The ground ends
Falling

Falling
I see the ocean beneath me
Brace for the impact
Here it comes
Awake!

[vulcan13]

It's better when you do it Jeanne.

My english teachers don't like me, just as a rule. I use passive voice once in a paper and I'm marked for the year, i tell you... they just don't like me.

As i recall all she said was that i needed to be able to list all the poetic devices in it without reading it, and then she gave me an 86. She didn't like it.

I like everything you did to it. My poetry as a rule is not very good. I just found this on and old disk and decided to put it up here.

Thatnks for all the suggestions Jeanne!!

[malcolm]

Well I was interested to hear what your teacher thought of it, but her comment just sounds odd. If 86 is out of 100 its a very good mark.

For me a dream is essentially meaningless in itself so as a poem it has to be injected with some kind of meaning whereas for me your poem had no theme and just seemed to ramble on without getting anywhere, hence lacked interest.

On the positive side it did have some good language and images. I did like this:

"Alone
On a seashore
Waves recede
They return
As tall as a mountain
Breaking over me
I am washed under
Screaming in chains of bubbles
Unable to draw breath"

[vulcan13]

It was for school all she wanted was 20 poetic devices on poster board, i wasn't really focused on making a good poem. I just found it and decided that there was nothing to lose.

I again am not a poet and as such i might need a bit of clarification on the business of "theme." Teenagers have a tendancy to be big on theme i think, i know people who can find meaning in school soup, Granted there is lots of unidentifiable stuff in it, maybe theres a theme somewhere, probably a left over theme from an english class...

Anyway i'm not one of them, i never thought of it until it was pointed out i needed one. I don't know what one could be. The dreams that have themes arn't really very dreamy they are more like ambitions right? Is that not right? Or are Dreams with themes more like omens? or visions? I don't think I've ever had a dream with a theme, most of the involve falling off something very tall. Should a dream with a theme be a religious experience? I am not being sarcastic, I am genuinly confused. Please, Help me.

It just sorta rambled through my head and i wrote it down. Not very poetic. I have a tallent for imagery and not much else I'm afraid. And rambling, it appears from this post that i have a tallent for rambling.

I find it difficult to write poems about anything at all meaningful or interesting, A tragic flaw. I'm sorry it dosn't interest you, not that i can blame you, it dosn't much interest me at this point it is more than 2 years old. Next time (assumiong there is a next time, there might not be i do seem to have an affinity for boring poetry) I will try to inject a theme in it somewhere. If i can find anything the rhymes with theme...

86 is out of a hundred and i think it was 3rd or 4th from the bottom of the class. Honors classes are tough, everyone is suposed to ge A's in things or risk being sub standard. It's really sorta stupid.

Anyway thanks for your input Malcom. I'll try and get the other one along soon. Now i have to think up a theme, It's so much easier in prose!!

[secrets]

I loved the imagery and I did follow it as a dream.

[vulcan13]

Thank You secrets!

[gypsygirl]

Well, I liked this. I agree with Malcolm that a 'theme' or perhaps a steadier flow would perhaps tie the whole poem together a little tighter, but I did enjoy your language and imagery a great deal, and ok, maybe your teacher didn't appreciate your work, but what is art to one person is a cow in a box to another! Don't be disheartened..
Again, I do agree with Malcolm that the 'seashore' stanza is probably the best writing, but I also loved the last few lines. The last moments of sleep drawing rapidly to lucidity.. it's good work!

[ArwingAce21]

Ah, I seem to remember reading this earlier. Anyway, same as above, kinda rambly, but all together not bad. And Malcolm, if you're a perfectionist like Vulcan or me, then an 86 is awful. You kinda have to know the school's English dept. They're...uhh...unique.

[vulcan13]

Unique is a good word. 9th grade honors english is taught by a hobbit and 10th grade is taught by a woman who never frowns. 11th grade is split up into about 4 different classes and it depends what teacher you get, but 12th gradeis english Literature and they use 2 books from the 60's. Unique is good.