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Nov 21, 2009, 6:32pm

Poetic Horizons :: Poetry :: Poems in Progress/Thorough Critique Wanted & Poetry Discussion :: Button/

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Topic: Button/ (Read 114 times)

keltinae
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Button/
« Thread Started on May 28, 2009, 4:00pm »

My face fell like a button off someone's chemise,
No one blamed the faulty string or dared to ask,
For what's a mask? Without an identité
Why collect ashtrays if you're hesitant of sparks?
We walked in parks and pointed at the people we once were,
Their familiar clothes and conversations tickled our ears,
Easing timid smiles as we dripped with youth again.

You irritate me in your borrowed robes,
Foolishly eyeing gossip to pursue.
I am your haven, your zoo,
Where you stretch and forget yourself.
I keep towels for guests who never bother to spend the night,
I apologize over and over to try and make things right,
Still i come across awkward as a speed bump,
No one remembers to anticipate,
Rarely do I forget any food on my plate.

You could call me a few things in that loud exotic language you speak,
Dropping vowels like a yo yo ,
I often forget your words,
But never where your gaze has fallen,
Spreading fervent pollen you look away free of guilt,
As flowers wilt and sigh like giddy chimes in a breeze.
I can only smile ; pretending I am at ease,
Remembering how things were before that button fell,
remembering so well...
Patterns on that chemise.

« Last Edit: Jun 3, 2009, 4:16pm by keltinae »

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"My voice has the habit of talking to your bones, I cannot control the secrets they disclose, I just know, the price is heavy."

davidmm
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Re: Button/
« Reply #1 on May 29, 2009, 1:54pm »

Hello keltinae.
Welcome back.
just to inform you that things gave changed a little on Poetic Horizons snce last you posted here. We are trying to get members more involved in the board so we now ask that all members post a couple of comments on other members' work before posting new work of their own.
Your posts are still important to PH but we request that you support the new ideas and look around and let others know what you think of their work as well as posting your own.
Please read the following link

http://poetichorizons.proboards.com/inde....lay&thread=2991

Thank you

« Last Edit: Jun 4, 2009, 11:59am by davidmm »

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rocha
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Re: Button/
« Reply #2 on Jun 3, 2009, 8:19am »

I like your choice of words Keltinae .....and they flow with a smooth assured style as they usually do. The last lines lead into a nice summing up.... the awkward moments and loss of something important.Written in your lay-back way ....I was left a little hungry for more of the meat...but maybe I am greedy. Good post.
P.S

David's link may not be working..( I will ask the man to look at it) .....but we do need poster's to comment on other works. We all need encouragement and support.T.C

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keltinae
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Re: Button/
« Reply #3 on Jun 3, 2009, 4:23pm »

Thanks Rocha, For taking the time to read my poem I have made some additions to it and modifications i wrote two earlier poems about the same situation and there were verses i loved and recycled into button, I was aware of Davidmm's 'things have changed' and his link was not working and I apologize for not taking the time to reply i usually write stuff and just post and realize now how offensive it can be

i assure you it's not intentional i work 4 jobs and my mind is everywhere as my poetry shows thanks rocha for your reply it changed my mind about something important to me xx k.

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"My voice has the habit of talking to your bones, I cannot control the secrets they disclose, I just know, the price is heavy."

jeannerené
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Re: Button/
« Reply #4 on Jun 3, 2009, 11:31pm »

Hi K.

I have to apologize for not getting to your poem sooner. And I do remember how busy you are .... Our changes are were made to encourage others to help support each other.

We have been growing and that's a good thing.

... I was completely taken with "Button" from your very first line and I became thoroughly caught up in your reflections/revelations.

We walked in parks and pointed at the people we once were,
Their familiar clothes and conversations tickled our ears,

.... lovely way of expressing shared memories ... a loss of innocence

You could call me a few things in that loud exotic language you speak,
Dropping vowels like a yo yo ,
I often forget your words,
But never where your gaze has fallen,

.... what I admire so much about your poetry is your creative and unique phrasing and word choices. The above is just exquisite ... it paints a gentle, melancholy and sensual portrait of human emotion. That's it k. .... your emotion always grabs me. You always leave me with a lump in my throat.

Since you've posted in the Critique Forum .... I'll just point out two things:

Your punctuation here is a bit confusing: "For what's a mask? Without an identité"
Need to capitalize the "i": "Still i come across awkward as a speed bump,"

I've read Button at least 5 times while posting my reply. I love this poem. There is so much being said from its beginning to end.

Thanks for sharing it with us .......

Take care .........

.jeanne

« Last Edit: Jun 3, 2009, 11:38pm by jeannerené »

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davidmm
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Re: Button/
« Reply #5 on Jun 4, 2009, 12:30pm »

Hi keltinae
Sorry about the link - the wonders of modern technology and all that! It's working now for what it may be worth

Better late than never, huh?
Thank you for your understanding of the growing needs of the board and it is good to see such a refreshing attitude.

Yes, I have read your poem - several times over, in fact. I particularly like the semi-hidden rhymes and internal rhymes that hold the poem together exceptionally well.

I sincerely hope that your busy lifestyle (four jobs? do you never sleep?

) does not keep you away from poetry and from sharing in the pleasures of PH.